Back to home page Back to other stories   LEIGH   Hi, my name is Leigh, and I'm an alcoholic. My parents served alcohol and on special occasions allowed the children some; it wasn't a big deal. At sixteen during a pajama party, friends and I mixed and drank all types of alcohol. I felt the click. I felt smarter and prettier; everything seemed better. During high school, although I did not drink often, I did get drunk a few times, even while baby-sitting. My drinking at the time of the senior prom stood out. I was angry with my date, and the following day, while at the lake, I drank heavily. Returning home, we stopped several times because I was ill.   After high school I entered nurses' training and didn't often drink to excess. I once dated a med student and asked him for medication so that I could drink without becoming ill. We went to a party, and I drank too much, having my first blackout. I continued to drink periodically and don't recall really doing anything out of character until I went on vacation with my roommates. We went to a lake for a week. We met some young men, had chug-a-lug drinking contests, and sex. I quit nurse's training over this affair.   Next I took a general office job. I didn't really like the job, but I kept it because it paid well and was secure, while I was not. I met, fell in love, and became engaged to Dick. He was in the military and stationed in California. Visits with Dick were sporadic. Sometimes on Friday nights, I went to a bar, and I would go home with a man and go to bed with him. I was like two different people. When I saw the movie, Looking for Mr. Goodbar, I thought, My God, that's me!   While attending junior college at night and planning to move to Europe with my family, I met the man who became my husband. He was in one of my classes and would give me a ride home from school. Later, he started picking me up after bowling, and we'd stop for a few drinks. Somehow, lonely and insecure in my engagement to Dick, I started sleeping with Jim. I didn't feel that I was violating the engagement. Yet, my behavior didn't match my religious background, and I felt totally immoral. Every time that I slept with him, I had been drinking. Whenever I fell into bed with someone, alcohol was involved. Once while having intercourse with Jim, I awoke from a blackout and was horrified. I became pregnant with Jim's child. I didn't know what I was going to do, engaged to one man and pregnant with another's child. I didn't want to marry him. I thought that if I did marry Jim, that I would divorce him after the child was born. I didn't see options, abortion was not legal, and I didn't believe in it.   The family's plans to move to Europe were in process. I constructed a fantasy where I would lose the baby and still be able to go. It seemed a perfect out. This didn't happen, and eventually I agreed to marry Jim. I planned to leave him after the baby was born and join my family. I didn't tell my mother about the baby, and Jim and I were married in a big wedding. My family moved in December, my son was born in February, and in March I told my mother. She was angry and embarrassed, and, for awhile, I felt very cut off from her. Eventually, not wanting to punish the child, she came around.   After my son was born, I went on birth control pills which were newly available. I gained eighteen pounds in three weeks. I drank more. I would go to the store in the morning and while my son was sleeping, I'd drink. By the time Jim would get home from work, I'd be "normal." I saw the insanity of this and stopped. I would not drink for weeks at a time, and then only socially. When my son was two, we were having friends to the house for a birthday dinner. I had a sinus headache and took darvon and drank. I was in a blackout and "came to" in my room, crying. I felt that I had really made an ass out of myself.   I had a daughter and another son. My daughter had genetic health problems that she would not outgrow. I felt very alone. Jim's family was supportive, but they were not mine. I had three kids, was fat, and miserable. After my third child was about a year old, I got my driver's license and started to get out. I went to a doctor and got diet pills. I lost a lot of weight, looked good, and felt better about my life. I played merry homemaker during this period drinking only occasionally. When I developed an abscessed tooth and could not get an appointment to see the oral surgeon for a week, the only thing that managed the pain was alcohol. I used the alcohol.   The next major drinking occurred around a visit from my mother. After nine years of not seeing her, she called and announced that she, my sister, and brother were coming for a visit. I went into an absolute panic; I didn't know how I would deal with the visit. I felt that I was not a good enough mother or housekeeper. When they arrived, we had cocktails and drank every night. This managed the nerves. Later, Jim told me that mom was concerned about my drinking. He wasn't concerned, he didn't see a problem, but he drank as much as I. Mom never shared her concerns with me. From then on, the disease progressed.   I was thirty-five and I knew that I was in trouble with alcohol. I went to lunch with friends who drank. On football weekends, drinking started at noon. I drank while talking on the phone so that I would not be drinking alone like an alcoholic. I drank at parties, not much, because I would drink before going and after I returned home. I'd drink after everyone went to bed. I tried several times and several things, including changing drinks, to quit drinking. I tried getting a job. I tried teaching Sunday school. I prayed. I couldn't predict, once I started to drink, when I was going to stop. I took tests to see if I was an alcoholic, and ignored the results in order to believe that I was just crazy. I believed that if I could afford a psychiatrist, I wouldn't have to drink. I believed that if people had my problems, my daughter who was ill, that they'd drink too. I drank over guilt. I had irrational guilt over my daughter's illness, bad housekeeping, anything, and everything. I continued to drink.   A minor automobile accident, which I caused, finally sent me for outside help. I called a woman with whom I worked, a nurse. She suggested a hospital program. Jim drove me to the hospital. On the way there, he kept suggesting that I not do this but just cut down on my drinking. I knew that I had to quit. I don't remember what arrangements were made for the kids. I didn't care. I was going to get better. We had family counseling during rehab. But, somewhere during rehab, I changed from believing that I could get better to just complying. After rehab, I planned to be the best mother ever. My focus was always mother and not wife. I went to an AA meeting the first night home from the rehab.   During my first week home, I drank, but I sobered up enough to know that I needed out-patient therapy. For awhile, I drank on the nights that I didn't have group. Then, I'd sober up and stay sober for a month or two. At times my husband would come home drunk, and I'd say, "screw it," and get drunk too! I'd have a resentment against him and get drunk. Eighteen months later I realized that I needed to be sober more than I needed my marriage. That's when I became sober.   My last drink was November 13, 1982. I needed to get to the point where sobriety became the most important thing in my life. I attended at least three AA meetings a week. I went through a whole out-patient program at another hospital. I went to group twice a week. I would see my counselor individually once a week, and my husband and I saw her together every other week. Things were a lot better. I realized how sick our relationship was and that it was not based on love. I had been told not to make any major changes in the first year of sobriety, and, so, I didn't. I seriously thought, that at the end of the year, I would divorce Jim. Then, I discovered that I was pregnant. I was now thirty-nine with children ages fourteen, eleven, and ten. I didn't know if I wanted an abortion or to divorce Jim and still have the child. I searched my soul for two days. I decided to stay married and have the baby. I didn't know where I would go from there. At forty, a child is a major change. As well as I was capable, I tried to make the marriage work. I was delighted once I accepted the pregnancy. I have always felt most a woman when pregnant.   I turned forty and had the baby, a third son. Things steadily improved in the family as I became healthier by attending AA meetings and working the steps. We continue to discuss the possibility of seeing a marriage counselor. I still don't know if I want to save the relationship. We have reached a comfortable level of co-existence without real intimacy. I know I'm trading off - it's something I'm uncovering. I'm now busy exploring what I want to do with my life both personally and professionally.   About a year and a half into my sobriety, I had a flashback to an experience that I had at age five. I was sexually molested by the boy next door. I never asked my mom how it was resolved, and I can't anymore. About five years into recovery, I realized that my original family was dysfunctional. My father was mentally ill, silent, and thus, my mother was the stronger parent. The power and authority which I saw mom exerting were necessary survival skills for her.   Besides AA, I'm involved in a sixteen step program with friends. It has been the most fulfilling "uncovery" and discovery. After nine years of sobriety, I found myself feeling uncomfortable at AA meetings. There were issues which I had that were not being addressed in AA. I didn't know what to do. Luckily, a friend and I verbalized the same uneasiness. We tried different meetings and found that was not the answer. Through reading the book Many Roads One Journey, we discovered a sixteen step program. We have taken it and developed it as our own. I am finding out more about myself, uncovering layer after layer. A healing is taking place that wasn't available in my twelve step program. My twelve step program was wonderful, and I cherish it. It's almost as if I've outgrown the twelve steps and need something different, especially as a woman, something more empowering for me. Thanks.