Back to home page Back to other stories   LULU   Hi, my name is Lulu and I'm an alcoholic. I started drinking at about twelve years old. I wasn't obese, but I was chunky as a child. When I started drinking, I got a little more attention than normally. My friends were nice, and I would do anything for them. I was never in the spotlight; I was the follower and a people pleaser. I don't know why I couldn't let go and be myself. I would take booze from my parents' bottles. I'd drink in the morning before school and get a buzz. No one was home in the morning so I didn't have to worry.   As a high school freshman, I went to a slumber party. I took a plastic canteen of booze. It contained a mixture of all types of hard liquor. I got sick. I always got more attention when I got sick. I would be out of the shadow and in the spotlight. After a while, it didn't matter how I felt mentally. I just liked the effect that drinking gave me. I would be mellow and high. It was as addicting as a drug. Alcohol is a drug as far and I'm concerned. It is just a legal one.   I never drove a car to parties because I would need a ride home. I would drink a lot very quickly, be sick, and throw up. All my friends would have to leave because of me. That bothered me. My friends didn't drink like I did. I would have a hard time socializing at parties if I didn't drink. After a party, on Monday's at high school, people would stare at me. Some of the faces would say, "Hey, you're cool." Some would say, "Wow, you are disgusting." It didn't stop me from drinking. This was my pattern from freshman through junior year of high school.   Senior year I was on the work program. I went to a weekend convention out of state. I don't remember a damn thing that happened except that I partied. Everybody partied. I had taken three bottles of hard liquor with me. I drank the last sixteen ounces before boarding the bus for home. I'm ashamed of this now.   This same year I had lost weight, and I looked good. My friend introduced me to a guy who was older. He looked even older than he was, and he could buy alcohol. Everytime we went out we partied, drank, and smoked pot. Any time of day we would party. It felt natural. He never told me that he didn't want me to get drunk and that he only wanted me to have a good time, until it was too late. I ended up losing him when I blacked out at a party. Ninety-nine percent of the time I blacked out when I drank. I regretted losing him and it really hurt. He was my first love.   After we broke up, I still found ways to get alcohol. I was now eighteen. I went to a concern with a girlfriend and I drove. After the concern, we went to a motel and we drank and partied. The next morning I dropped her off at her apartment. She asked me to stay with her until i felt better. I should have listened to her, but I didn't. I drank a bottle of champagne in the car on the way home. When I arrived home drunk, my father was angry and could have killed me. He took the spark plugs out of my car. He told me I couldn't drive until I got insurance in my own name. My parents took the phone out of my room. It was really bad. I called AA to get help. I was eighteen or nineteen when I first got sober.   I was sober for nine months through AA. I quit going to meetings and thought I could do it on my own. I went back to drinking. At twenty, I bought a new jeep. The front end of the jeep got smashed. I must have had an accident while in a blackout. To this day, I'm still in denial about the damage, and think that maybe my girlfriend or her husband had crashed it. I had been at my girlfriend's house that day. In blackouts I had always become sober quickly when something bad had happened. I can't understand why in this case I don't remember.   I went back to AA meetings. I began thinking that I was being brainwashed. I thought AA was not for me. I left AA and tried to stay sober on my own again. I got married. My life was pretty good. We bought a new home and my husband started working long hours. I didn't have any friends where we lived. It was the dog, the house, and me. So, what did I turn to? Alcohol, I started drinking again, and it got really bad. My husband did not understand the way I was acting. I had an attitude problem. I finally realized that it was the booze. One day my husband told me that, if I didn't change, there would be definite changes in our life. He spent a few nights in another bedroom. He told me he would stay there until I made things different. That's when I called AA again, desperately looking for help.   I'll never forget that meeting. I could hardly speak. The first few sober nights I cried myself to sleep. I kept asking God for help. He gave it to me. I am sober for four and a half years. I am grateful and thankful. I have learned through AA to keep things simple and work the steps. I try not to complicate my life.   My husband and I built a new house together. It is a sober house. I have an eighteen month old son. I can't begin to tell you how much my life has changed. I have a Higher Power, AA meetings, and lots of AA friends. I know they are there for me. I can call on them anytime, day or night. I never have to drink again.   That's my story. I hope it can help someone take that first step to an AA meeting. I'm grateful that I have been sober for my son. It's hard to live with the guilt that I hurt myself and my husband emotionally. I would hate to have hurt or abused my child. That's about it. If you can use any of this information to help someone, I'd be very honored. Thanks for asking me.