Back to home page Back to other stories   SARA   Hi, I'm Sara, and I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic because I couldn't be a ballerina. I always wanted to be on center stage and didn't know how to get there. From the time I was very young, I felt that I never mattered. I felt on the outside "looking in," but I never knew how to get in. I felt, that if I could attach myself to the right people, that I would be accepted, okay. Thus, I did whatever it took to be friends with the right crowd and to belong. I'd get in with the right people and then I'd be frightened. I'd worry that they would find out who I really was and then have nothing to do with me. So, even "getting in" with the right crowd never helped. I felt like a phony. Everybody in my family made fun of me. My parents were separated and divorced when I was very young. My father was a schizophrenic and in and out of hospitals. I grew up in a middle class ethnic neighborhood. Everyone seemed to have perfect families. At least, that's what they portrayed to the world. We couldn't do that because of what went on at home. I never felt safe. I would hide in my bedroom, escape into stories, and live in a fantasy world. I would dream at night, that if I had different parents, my life would be important.   I'm a product of the fifties when the goal in life was to get married and "live happily ever after." I had difficulty with that goal because everybody was getting married, and I wasn't. One by one my friends would find boyfriends and spend all their time with them. I'd have to find another friend. During this time, everytime I drank I got drunk, and I drank everytime that I was in a social situation. I met a man and married him six months later. Then I felt okay and drank only at social functions and didn't over indulge.   I became pregnant with my first child and discovered that a pregnant woman or a woman with a new baby got a lot of attention. I had a very religious Catholic upbringing; I was pregnant for the next seven years. I felt that this was what life was all about and I thought I was happy. When I stopped having kids and we bought our big house in the suburbs, I felt lost and empty inside, as if there was no me. I asked, "Is That All There Is?" So, I had an affair.   I knew that I was guilty, a bad and horrible person. I felt as if there were something wrong with me. The affair didn't last long. I went back to my husband. It was hard to live with myself. I had wanted to build our life around the children. I don't know whether it was guilt or what, but I couldn't put the marriage back together. I started drinking a lot and became addicted to shopping. I thought that if I had material things, I would be happy.   I found friends who drank during the day. I'd have bridge parties, so that I could drink. I found a girlfriend with whom I could go out and drink at night. After one of these evenings, I cam home, fell on the bedroom floor, and vomited. My husband put me in the shower, but afterward, I fell down and vomited again. In disgust, he locked me in the bedroom and went out drinking. The kids were able to pick the lock and see their mother passed out, drunk, in her vomit. I can remember feeling unworthy, guilty, a horrible mother, and a horrible wife. I began thinking about divorce. I felt that my husband should have custody of the children. I knew that I was having a fight with the bottle, and I realized that my husband hated me. I didn't want the children raised with hatred so I decided that I would try to raise them even though I felt that I didn't have what they needed. I divorced, had custody of the five kids, and was frightened of being alone with the responsibility. I started to drink at home. I drank morning, noon, and night, but I could still function and go to work.   Because I grew tired of being alone, I then married a man whom I had only known for two months. He didn't work and drank a lot. Six weeks later, I filed for divorce as he entered an alcoholic treatment program. I wasn't going to live with a drunk. Still trying to be the "nice person", I became a part of his treatment plan. So, I would go to the weekly hospital AA open meeting. I would listen. I would say to myself, "I didn't do that, I'm not that bad, and this didn't happen to me." It would give me the courage to go back out and drink for another week. I never looked at my own drinking problem.   At home I wanted to drink in peace and quiet. Most of the time I didn't care what the kids did. Once, while drunk, I asked a friend's fifteen year old daughter to steal her mom's car and take my son to work. I felt that I was a good parent because he got to work.   I worked two full time jobs, which included a lot of nights. My second ex-husband became sober and very involved in the AA program. Little did I know, that a couple of years later, I would end up at AA meetings myself. But in the meantime I kept drinking and hated myself and my jobs. To stop the shakes I had to drink as I got up in the morning, at lunch, on my break, and before I went to my second job. By now work was the only place I could still function. It gave me some measure of worth and self esteem. I feared that I'd lose a job because I felt everything slipping away. So, I decided to take two weeks vacation. The first week all I did was drink. The second week I was scared because I knew that I would have to go back to work, and I didn't know how I was going to do it. After school one day, I got the kids together and gave them a speech. I told them that they were the reason I drank. They loved me and told me that they would do whatever it took for me to stop. We made a bid "deal" of pouring the liquor down the drain. I didn't drink and went back to work self controlled and feeling strong.   About this time my ex-husband told me that I had quit drinking in the "wrong way" and didn't have to be miserable. He asked me to call AA people, reach out, and ask for help, but I couldn't do it. He also told the AAs about me. Even though AA doesn't usually call you, thank God, the AAs did and we got together. I felt as though a weight were lifted from my shoulders. Despite my protests and "important public position," I went to a meeting with them. I listened to what everyone said and noticed that they looked comfortable as if everything was okay. I didn't believe that it was real, but I wanted to look okay and comfortable too.   I went to more and more meetings, and as I listened I began to feel a little happiness, but because I had always been more comfortable with horrible feelings, I tried to push the happiness away and would fight myself to be in a bad mood. It was a battle. Finally, I became friends with a woman who had a very good spiritual program. She taught me about God, not the God that I had known, but a different God.   As I got sober, I realized that I wasn't a good mother and didn't know how to be one. I was scared to death because I had teenagers who were drinking. I felt as if I didn't have the right to tell them anything. When my twelve year old son overdosed at a roller rink, I went to a meeting right away because I was really "shaken up". At the meeting I met a woman who had seven children and I asked if she could be a "sponsor" for my children and help me learn how to become a better mother, and she said yes. That woman taught me that the house was mine, that I had rights, and that I could set down rules. She taught me to use rules, set consequences, and follow through. My house was a mess from all the years of neglect during my drinking. I was overwhelmed and didn't know how I was going to get it in order. She told me that one day it would be done and that the miracle would be that I would have done it. I started cleaning little by little in the small increments that she taught me how to handle. It gave me some self confidence, and I was pleased.   I met another man on the Program and married him. But because I was still looking for someone outside myself to make me feel okay, I fell into the same old patters and was once again absolutely miserable. At AA meetings people would sound as if they had it together, but I knew I didn't. I didn't know what to do about it. Even sober, I couldn't make a marriage work, and as I divorced again I went into psychotherapy.   When I went into therapy, I actually hoped that I would find that I had been sexually or physically abused as a child. I felt that it would explain who and what I was, and my "differentness" would be okay. It would be someone's fault and not mine. During this time of going to therapy and attending AA, I did fall desperately in love again. I practiced my old behaviors so well that I couldn't stand living any longer. I tried to kill myself with pills. I had turned my back on God. Both AA and my therapist told me that I had to pray, open up to people, share, and ask for help. I began to trust, and I started one step at a time. Through therapy, I have discovered that I had perceived myself as "inadequate for the task." I had felt that I didn't belong and that I was less than others. I learned that I could change these perceptions. I am learning to understand who I am. I can accept myself; I am okay, and I matter. I learned to show others my vulnerabilities and strengths. I began to feel something from within rather than without.   I have found a strong Higher Power in the AA program, one that I can turn to in difficult times. I have found twelve steps to guide me in how to live. I have found people who accept me. In AA, I share in order to know and let others know that we are not alone. Life is joyful and painful. In every situation there is something that I need to learn.   I have many issues as a woman, particularly a tendency to give my power away. I give it away and then blame others for the situation. I am learning to take my own power. I am learning to stand up for myself. It's a very slow journey. I still fight the old feelings and search for new ways to help myself, whether it is therapy, AA, or women's groups. I attend a women's bonding group at work, and that has given me a lot of strength. Not all of the women are in AA recovery, but we talk about it. We talk about how we can empower and feel good about ourselves. I want to deal with every part of me, not just the drinking, because drinking, like any other addiction, is a symptom.   I've been addicted to alcohol, overeating, under eating, over spending, pills, diet pills, tranquilizers, and poor relationships. Some of the addictions I've practiced sober because I hadn't identified them as problems. I've found that, the more I have learned about myself, the fewer addictions I practice. Each time I work my way out of a problem I'm stronger and know a little bit more about myself. I'm who I am. I'm a many faceted person, strong, weak, happy, sad, greedy, and giving. I'm all of these and more. Thanks for this opportunity to tell my story.