Back to home page Back to other stories   ZOE   Hi, I'm Zoe, and I'm an alcoholic. I see life as a journey. My life has been influenced by many people, places, and things. The biggest adventure that has shaped my journey has been my alcoholism. I grew up in an alcoholic home. I saw what alcohol could do to people. I had two parents who each had one personality when they weren't drinking and another personality when they were drinking. I hated alcohol. I hated what it did to my parents, the way that it made them act. I didn't like the yelling, screaming, and disruptive behavior. I didn't want to have anything to do with anyone that drank. I just despised alcohol. Yet, it held a fascination for me. How could this liquid do this and why? What possessed people to use it?   The very first time that I took a drink I got drunk. I was almost eighteen and my brother was two years younger. We were going to have one drink to see what it was like. We drank a lot. I liked the euphoric feeling, but my cheeks had gone numb and I had lost control of what I was saying and doing. I didn't like losing control. The next morning the hangover was atrocious. The bed was spinning. I took a glass of water and got drunk all over again. I knew that I didn't want to lose control to this liquid. It was nothing but evil in my mind.   For a long time I was able to drink and I would stop drinking when I felt numb in my cheeks. I knew that I was numbing feelings, too. I numbed the feeling that I didn't belong. I had felt less than or greater than other people. I didn't fit in either way. I was not able to be me. Alcohol helped me to be everything that I wanted to be. It helped me to have the feelings that I wanted and to lift me out of reality. I hadn't wanted to live life on life's terms. It was too difficult. I had survival skills but no coping skills.   I married someone who was not an alcoholic. I felt that he was against drinking as much as I. I didn't want to be around people who drank to excess or even drank. I was self righteous, pompous, and trying to be a saint. I was not succeeding too well. I was reasonably happy. When life got a little bit out of control, I would use alcohol to sedate myself. I found that I could use alcohol to enhance the enjoyment of life, to be more than reasonably happy. I used it that way. It was socially acceptable; it looked good to drink. This was important because I did not have a good self image. I didn't know what kind of a self image I wanted. I was willing to create anything. Alcohol gave me the power to create who I wanted to be.   As I used alcohol to sustain me and to create reality, I found that I needed more and more. Reality soon became alcohol's reality and not the fantasy that I was trying to create. Alcohol had become very important in my life. I needed it to sustain me. I would take all the tests for alcoholics and get perfect scores. I was an alcoholic. I didn't want to do anything about it. I had blackouts, but alcohol still helped me to function.   I remember a fight that my husband and I had. I had asked him, "Why can't I just be me? Why can't you let me be me?" When I looked at that statement, I realized that there was no me. I was a blank blackboard. The letters "ME" didn't appear. This was the most fearful time in my drinking. I got drunk after the fight because I couldn't face the idea that I did not exist. There were two parts of me, one that was tangible and moving and one that did not exist, that wanted to exist.   I divorced and stopped drinking for about six months. I went to work and took care of my house. I was reasonably happy again. A friend decided that I needed to be happier and wanted to get me a husband. I started drinking and going out to bars with her. I planned to do controlled drinking. The disease progressed. I was able to find a man who drank as much as I did. He made it okay to drink even more than what I drank. I gave myself permission to go further in my alcoholism. I was no longer able to function at a high level. I would go to work late or call in sick. I was bloated and physically looked like an alcoholic. I did not want to quit drinking because I did not know another way to exist. I kept hoping for that fantasy to reoccur. It was so elusive that I had to drink a half gallon of vodka to get a minute of it. I would use every drinking excuse. I drank because the sun shined or it rained, my father did or didn't talk to me, or my mother did or didn't talk to me. I wanted to drink; I wanted my fantasy. I wanted to be happy, to be loved, and to love. I didn't know how. With alcohol I could still live the illusion.   I drank a half gallon a day on the weekends and at least two half gallons during the week. One morning I looked in the mirror. I called in sick to work because I couldn't work looking as I did. I planned to not drink that day and I drank. The next morning I looked in the mirror again. It was like a "Twilight Zone." I didn't recognize who I was. I asked this person in the mirror, "Who are you?" I didn't want to be that person. I said a foxhole prayer. I said it from the tips of my toes. I asked God for help. I was willing to lose everything. I was willing to do whatever I had to do to not drink again. I didn't want to be that person in the mirror. I was sick and tired of living my life like this. The prayer got me to the AA program.   I called a person in the Employee Assistance Program at work. She came to my house. While waiting for her to arrive, I finished the vodka that I still had. The house was atrocious, and she washed the dishes while I packed a suitcase. She took me to the hospital, and they put me into detox. My family really rallied around me and even took care of my house and dog.   I didn't see any differences between myself and the thirty men in my rehab program. I was the only woman. I had always been in the working world and these were working men. The men admired me for admitting that I was alcoholic and coming to treatment. They felt that many women were afraid of the label "alcoholic" and that I was courageous. I just knew that this was where I belonged. The rehab staff made a statement that only one of us thirty would stay sober. I said to myself, "I don't care what these other assholes are going to do but I'm going to be that one person." I would do whatever it took to stay sober. At the end of my twenty-eight days I addressed the new patients. I told them that they would only get from the program what they put into it. I meant this!   I was afraid to leave the rehab because I was going back to an unfriendly environment. I was going back to the same house, job, and responsibilities. How was I going to change my playground when I lived in my playground? I knew that I'd just have to deal with it.   I started my AA career. I picked out meetings close to my house so that I would not have to drive a lot. The first meeting I tried to go to after rehab I couldn't find. It caught in my throat a bit when I asked for directions to the AA meeting. I went to a meeting the next night and walked in alone. The people were all laughing and having a good time. I thought this was strange. I was ready to get involved in this program to save my life; it was serious. I didn't want any part of the friends bit; I wanted to learn how not to drink.   I was fortunate that I had no husband or family. I worked diligently and exclusively on myself. I was in therapy. I worked on issues that were underlying my alcoholism. I started to learn about me. It was a wondrous adventure. As I worked the steps, I began to like, accept, and love myself. I learned that love was very important. I had always liked logic better than love. As I got in touch with love, I learned about all the different types. I began to feel love for the universe, people, and God. God took on a very special new meaning. I began to find my place in God's plan. I became truly happy as I connected to this love.   In my journey I am always striving to grow. New adventures and people come and go in my life. I create a void to receive from them all and the void is filled with love. As I give love, it seems that more bountiful love flows back to me. It lifts and lifts until it is better and better. It is an endless cup of love, an endless universe, and an endless God. Each AA step has helped me to attain new levels of happiness. I am able to learn and teach. I connect with people, places, and things in new ways. If it were not for my alcoholism, I feel that this would not have been my path, my gift. The gift is love, truth, and a spiritual life. I had to unwrap it. Anyone can have this gift. No gift of love is ever insignificant. I hope the story of my journey can help someone. Thanks.