Back to home page Back to other stories   MAGGIE   Hi, I'm Maggie, and I'm an alcoholic. I grew up with an alcoholic father. My extended family was matriarchal, with my grandmother, ninety-eight now, ruling. From childhood I remember the fights and violence. It always looked as if it was my mom's fault and seemed that she would start the arguments. I didn't see my father's drunkenness. I was told that I was my father's daughter because I was like him. I felt that I was a bad person because my father was an alcoholic. I swore up and down that I wouldn't let that happen to me. In high school I realized that I could drink more than my friends. We'd buy two six-packs, one for them to split and one for me. Although often when I drank I would get drunk, until about twenty-five, drinking was not a problem nor habitual.   Drinking became a problem when I went through my first divorce. It caught me by surprise and I was totally annihilated especially when I found out that my husband was seeing another woman. I was pregnant and lost the baby. Within a month of our divorce, he married her because she was pregnant. I hadn't wanted a bad marriage, and I embarrassed my family with its first divorce. I had quit college to marry my high school sweetheart and didn't really want a career. I wanted to be married, barefoot, and pregnant. Through the divorce, I kept working in a management job with a large corporation and retained my condominium, car, and money. I was twenty-six and in the single scene for the first time. I lost twenty-five pounds and looked good. I filled my time with drinking. I had trouble sleeping and was depressed. My family coaxed me to see a psychologist and he wanted to hospitalize me. I lied my way out of that, threw away the pills, and drank.   My job moved me to a new office where there were many singles and newly divorced people. They were party people and I became the party clown. We went out every night of the week and spent weekends in outdoor activities. I always had a drink in my hand. I began dating a man from work. He was separated, and I saw him as my savior, the missing piece of my life. I felt that no woman was complete without a man. When I thought we were really getting close, he told me that his wife was pregnant and that they were getting back together. He asked me not to worry because after the baby he would come back to me. It threw me into a tizzy. I changed locations, friends, and hit the single scene harder. I dated a lot of people. My brothers would tell me that I was a good catch because I made more than the average male of my age, looked good, and was attractive. I thought, "Screw the world, I'm going to go out and have fun." I tried to convince myself that I didn't need a man and could get one an time I wanted. When I couldn't walk into a bar by myself, I would get a bottle, go home, and drink alone.   Through a friend I met a man and fell head over heels in love with him, I thought. Within four months, we were married. I arrived at church with a drink in one hand and a joint in the other. I wanted to say to the groom, "Let's go party hearty and not do this." I didn't say it and went down the aisle. That marriage was a hell I can't explain. He was crude and felt that I should support him and his children so that he would not have to work. The marriage lasted less than two years. I drank more, and he became violent. I ran from him and never turned back.   After I left my second husband, I learned that the man who had jilted me for his wife, was divorced and that he had custody of the children. He told me that he had not forgotten about me. I still thought that he would be my savior. We lived together for awhile and both drank. He thought that I had been through hell and had made a lot of mistakes. He didn't see the drinking as a problem, but I needed to have a buzz on all the time. We married and there were problems with the marriage from the beginning. I told myself that it was the perfect marriage yet I couldn't stop drinking. After two years, I began to binge, get "drunk drunk," and blackout. After a blackout, I put myself in a rehab, thinking that "enough is enough." I knew that I had a drinking problem. I didn't get any support from him and it was like a slap. I began to think that he didn't care for me and wanted only my income. I gave the rehab a good heart filled effort.   After rehab and attending AA meetings for a month, I planned a barbecue for my rehab friends. While shopping, I bought a bottle of vodka. I couldn't get ready for a party without a couple of harmless drinks. I was flying high. No one at the party said anything to me, and I don't know if they knew that I had been drinking. When my husband came home, he knew. It is the first drink that gets you, and I was off, running, and too embarrassed to go back to AA. My marriage became cold. He thought that I could control it, but I was sneaking drinks and hiding my bottles. My family, convinced that I had a drinking problem, blamed my father. I wouldn't drink around anyone and never drank out of a glass again. I would pour the soda out of a can and put in booze. I felt that I was fooling the world. I changed jobs and became a big "down-town" executive commuting by train. After work I would stop at the bars and ride in the train's bar car. I didn't drink during work except for an occasional lunch. Since work new about the rehab, I could not let them know that I was drinking. I knew that I couldn't be fired, but I also knew that work was watching.   In the spring I took a couple of days off work to garden, but I really wanted to drink. I gardened and got smashed. When the boys came home from school, I was passed out, and my husband found me that way. I packed my bags and spent the night with my family. The next day I tried the "enough is enough" again and called the company Employee Assistance Program person. The company made me sign an agreement stating that if I "fouled up" in any way that I would be subject to dismissal. I checked into another rehab. My husband told me that he was there for me but that I couldn't come back to the house and that I was on my own. I intended to stay sober and get back home. I went to AA meetings on my lunch hour and after work. It was a safe place to hide from everyone. This continued for four months until I had an argument with my husband. I went to an AA meeting and talked about it. After the meeting I went off on my own, got drunk, and continued to drink.   The agreement I had signed with my company bothered me but I felt that I was smart enough to keep them from knowing that I was drinking. I drank at work and hid bottles in my briefcase. I put booze in my pop can and drank at my desk. I almost always had a bottle in my company vehicle. No one knew how much I was drinking because I avoided everyone. After drinking all day at work and meeting my husband to discuss coming home, I was in a blackout and rear ended a car with the company vehicle. I was worried about the bottle in the car. When I didn't get a DUI or a ticket, I felt that I might have thrown it out. I made no attempt to have anyone check the car. So, here I am at my mother's house relegated to bed for three weeks with a broken ankle, when the company called and told me that they did indeed have my bottle. I was going to lie but then I admitted it. I knew that I would be out of a job. I discussed it with my husband. I told him that now I could stay home and take care of the kids, a nice happy mother. I didn't drink while I had the cast. I didn't plan to go back to AA because I thought that I could do it on my own. When I returned home, before I knew it, I was drinking again. I didn't even have to stay sober for the eight hour work day. I could drink all the time. I would be drunk by ten o'clock in the morning. I neglected the kids, drove drunk, passed out, acted in blackouts, and received a DUI. There were lawyers and large bills. The drinking had me. The threats from my husband continued, and we fought constantly. He was going to throw me out and blamed everything on my drinking.   One morning, I'm not sure why, after a three day blackout, I woke up and decided that day that I was not going to drink. Enough was enough! I couldn't look at myself in the mirror any longer. The happy housewife, that I had planned to be, had put the kids into the same life that I had seen as a child, constant fights, battles, and cold wars. I knew that what I was doing was scary for them. I couldn't blame these things on anyone else. I decided to get sober on my own, get some time under my belt, and then go back to AA. After two weeks of this sobriety, a subpeona server showed up at my door due to the accident with the company vehicle. My husband lied saying that I wasn't there and I didn't get the subpeona. I knew that I couldn't drink, which was my usual way of coping, so I went to an AA meeting that night, poured out my soul, and cried. I hit a lot of meetings. I worried about how I would get through this - sober. I learned to live in today, in the now. I came to believe in a Higher Power, who I call God. I can't explain what brought me back to AA. I searched out women's meetings to talk about my relationships with men. The more that I was around these women and saw their strength and growth the more I wanted it, too.   I was afraid that I would drink again. I knew after each rehab that I had planned to stay sober and had not. I now had lost my job and lived in fear of being kicked out of the house for being dangerous to the boys. I knew that I couldn't drink. I saw my pattern and lifestyle and knew that I had to get better. I went to AA, read, and learned about my codependency. I was codependent from an early age and an Adult Child of Alcoholics (ACOA). Each day that I stayed sober, it got easier. The physical need to drink was lifted by God. When I was nervous, upset, or scared I could stop and talk to God or my conscience and ask for help to get through. I would get through it. I would try to not worry about things beyond my control. It worked, and I got stronger and physically better. My relationship with my stepsons grew, and they no longer feared that I would be passed out on the floor or forget to pick them up from school. I was wide-eyed and bushy tailed. I did things with them, and openness grew between us. I was very honest with the boys and told them about my alcoholism. The nine and ten year old boys understood this far better than adults. The boys wanted me to go to AA for me. Things kept getting better.   Through this period my husband's drinking kept getting worse. I sought out help at ALANON. I needed to not become the crazy "Looney Tune" that my mother had been. I turned over his drinking to him. I am responsible for me. I have faith and trust in God. I know that I am the one that has to do the walking and that God will do the guiding. I am talented with my hands and do gardening, piano, and needle work. When I was drinking, I never finished anything. Today, I always have needlework in my hands, and it keeps my hands and mind busy. It feels good to see what I create. People comment on my talent which I know is a gift from God. If I were to drink, I'd have to throw it all away. I feel that God uses this to help me stay sober. I don't fear drink as I did in the beginning because I know the cost and don't want to go backward. In the time that I have been sober, there have been many miracles and blessings in my life. All the bottle can do is take me back to hell. Booze doesn't give blessings, and without it, they keep coming and getting better and bigger. I search for ways to become a better person and do more with my life. Some people think that I should pursue another corporate career because I did so well. I need to keep that door closed right now because I don't think that it would help me grow. I have seen women at the tables search out what is right for them. Many of us talk no longer about how to keep sober but how to grow in our lives. We share experience and happiness when we find our different ways. Relationships with people are a gift of the AA program. I open my heart and don't worry. There are many different paths in life that don't necessarily meet but do cross. I will keep growing because I don't think that I was led by God to sobriety to just stop. I believe that God wants me to be closer to the world and nature, understand and appreciate it. Now I'm even doing this through my dog.   My drinking days were days in hell. I don't fear death and hell because I have been there and know what it is like. I can keep going forward and finding more roads. I won't stand still. Through this search and awareness I find inner peace. If something is bothering me, I know it is something inside me. I keep seeking the blessings. I feel that God brought me back to AA and sobriety and that it is my task to stay sober and keep growing. That's all. Thanks.