Back to home page Back to other stories   RITA   Hi, I'm Rita, and I'm an alcoholic. I was the youngest of three girls. My parents were immigrants from Ireland. We had a pretty normal life. We behaved well and were not wild. I went to eight years of Catholic grammar school, four years of Catholic high school, and a little business college.   At nineteen I met my husband, Jeff, when he had come home from military service in Korea. We started dating and were married fifteen months later. Having been raised in Catholic school, I had "the fantasy" and wanted to be a wife and mother so I got pregnant right away. I continued to have children for the next ten years, two miscarriages and seven children. When we went out we drank, but drinking was not important to me at this time. It gradually crept in, beginning with a drink at night to relax. My husband drank every day, especially weekends. I had very little help from him with the children. We had good times and bad times. At first he was verbally abusive to me, but later in our marriage the physical abuse began. After four years of marriage, we moved into our first house. We moved in with four children, and moved out to the suburbs eight years later with three more. With this move my drinking progressed, and I was not always "right" when I drank.   A year later my husband was promoted at work, and with his promotion came drinking lunches and after work drinking "meetings." When he came home, he would be verbally abusive. For a while, I found some solace in sitting down and having a drink with him. After we were in this house about two and a half years, my father died of cancer, and I had a hysterectomy. At the hospital, when I weighted in, Jeff told me that he did not want to be married to a fat woman. I had often lost a little weight and then gained it back. After the hysterectomy it was harder to lose. Jeff would sit at the dinner table and tell me that I wasn't wanted. He would say any cruel thing that he thought. The verbal abuse broke me down, and I lost myself. I tried to have perfect children, so that he would not come home and be angry all the time. As drugs were prevalent during these years, I feared that the children might become involved with them. I didn't realize that I was telling them not to drug, while at the same time, I was drinking. I never talked about my husband until I made the turn and crossed over the bridge into alcoholism. I consulted a priest about my husband's cruelty, and he told me that I was letting it happen. I was angry about this at the time and couldn't understand it, because I felt so useless. I didn't know how sick and used I really was. I was in trouble with drinking and tried to control it, as we all do. As long as the kids were good and I was all right, my husband would be okay. When things went wrong, we argued and the whole house would be up for grabs.   One Christmas Eve neighbors came over, and we had a few drinks. Jeff went to bed leaving me with the company. Their son helped me put a few things together for the children. After they left, when I went to get some gifts from the bedroom, I found that he had locked the door. I banged on the door, and Jeff got up. This is the first time that he hit me. He knocked me against the dresser, where I hit my head. My family was supposed to come the next day for dinner. I went to the kitchen and took half a bottle of aspirin. This was my first attempt at suicide; I did not want to live. Everyone came Christmas day, and I said that I had a black eye from falling. They believe me. The abuse got worse. It was bad not only when he was drinking, but when I was drinking and more vulnerable. A lot of this is still painful, and I don't know which was worse, being hit or verbally abused.   I called AA after a bad incident at home. I didn't like how I was feeling. An AA woman came to talk to me, but I didn't like it when she told me that I had to go to all these AA meetings. I was too busy at home. She talked about alcoholism as a disease, a progressive disease, that is a disease of denial. I didn't see my part in it. I felt that I drank because I had to live with this awful man. The disease progressed. It got worse and worse.   At my first son's wedding I was fine, but I drank after it. At my first daughter's wedding, I was in a blackout. I "came to" with my husband yelling at me to pay the caterer. He told me that I hadn't danced with him that night. When the pictures came back, I showed him a picture of us dancing. Apparently, he had a blackout too, and I didn't feel as bad. Our drinking kept this yo-yo life of calm and storms going. Every once in a while, when it got too bad, I would go to AA for a month or so and then go back to drinking. Jeff tried AA too. About a month after my mom died, I had company at the house. While they were there, I had a blackout. I came to with Jeff yelling at me and throwing all my clothes out of the house in front of all the neighbors. I left and went to my daughter's house. She told me that she was sick and tired of the way we behaved. I still continued to drink, and I cut my wrists trying suicide once again.   I then contacted an AA woman who had sponsored me. I went to meetings for a month or two. When my "belly button" birthday (as opposed to the AA Birthday or anniversary) came up, I told her that I could not go to the meeting. She told me that my children would probably rather have me sober for my birthday than see me. Well, they saw me drunk, because I chose alcohol. For the next two months, I lived in limbo, a blackhole that I was sinking deeper and deeper into. I drank and it didn't do anything for me. It left me more depressed. One night Jeff and I had another row. He abused me physically. The next morning he blamed me saying that I had done something which I know that I did not do. Jeff left, and I drank the rest of the vodka. I started pacing and phoned a doctor, who wanted to hospitalize me. I paced more and called a girl that I sponsored in AA. She phoned the doctor, who called me back and told me to go into detox. He wanted me to go through a thirty day program and that is what I did. When I went to the hospital program, I knew that I had to go to meetings, use a sponsor, and change. I thought that change would be easy.   Jeff quit drinking the same day that I did. He did not go to the hospital program but did visit me. We got sober together, and I would say that it is not the best thing to do. He was controlling, and I was detaching and fighting him. I needed to learn that I didn't always have to feel guilty and do what he wanted. I needed to learn to do what was best for me.   The first year I had no desire to drink. I went to as many AA meetings as I could; about five a week. My daughter became pregnant, had a baby out of wedlock, and gave the baby up for adoption. I survived it all. I just kept going to meetings and doing what I was told; I listened. Things got better.   After five years of sobriety, I still had a lot of anger toward my husband. I couldn't "let go" or surrender it to God. I thought that I was working the steps. I knew that I was not going to get "better" until I could come to terms with this anger. I prayed asking God to forgive me for my pain and any pain that I may have caused Jeff. I was at a stand still. Two of my daughters were getting married within a short period of time. I became very involved in the weddings. I enjoyed organizing the weddings and the control. I let my meeting attendance slip. I did not like the way I was feeling. I missed going to the meetings and knew that the control issues were dangerous for me. I don't know if it was a "dry drunk," but I could see that I was heading for trouble. I had trouble with my sponsor and didn't understand why. I finally came to the realization that her personality was similar to my husband's personality. She told me beautiful and wonderful things, but I couldn't understand. We parted ways, and the detachment helped me to see what she wanted me to learn. I believe that she wanted me to own up to my part of the problems in my marriage. I came to see that I was not innocent. I didn't like it, but it was a turning point. God was good to me, and enabled me to look a little harder at myself. I looked for and found another sponsor even though I was afraid to trust others and afraid to trust my own feelings. I have worked harder these second five years than I did the first five years. My sponsor urged me to take a Fourth and Fifth Step, and I did and it helped. I want to do another. I don't recommend waiting as long as I did to do the Fourth and Fifth Steps. I believe now that it is important to do them early in recovery and then continue to do them as needed.   Today, my husband and I are compatible to a degree, and my life is different. We have a lot to talk about because he is also sober. I have joy in intimacy with my husband, especially when we are both in a good place. Today, I have my family and grandchildren, that I would have lost if I had kept drinking. They bring me joy and are treasured gifts. I have friends on this program, close friends and associates. I have found God in a very different way. I have learned to surrender as well as I can. Surrender is constant work. I have surrendered my children; "God has no grandchildren." I want to hold on to things, but I know that I must surrender them. I still have "old tapes" that play, and then I have to work harder. Right now, I am fearful of the change coming with retirement, but AA has helped me to know that there is never a reason to be lonely; AA gives me everything that I need in life to survive. The greatest gift that I have received from AA is knowing that God is not a judging God but a loving God. I work at keeping that spirit deep within me and know that it is a lifelong job. I have joy in my life when I let God enter it more fully, and then I find peace. Material things, such as a car, etc., are not as important to me; inner beauty is important. I have joy every day that I can get up in the morning and do something. I guess that this is it. Thanks.